no longer in vietnam

so, i guess this is my farewell post in this blog. it will be rather sad, as i don't know what to say to adequately describe my experiences there and my (short-term) reflections on them.

first of all, i'm back in the san francisco area and awake at 5 am because of jet lag. but it's ok because it's given me some time to think about what this whole trip was and such.

on the plane to taiwan, i sat next to two elderly women from washington state. they were rather nice and well-meaning, but i came to thinking a lot about our conversation. their first question was, "do i live in vietnam?" and then, later on in the conversation, they noted that i "speak very good english." though i know that they meant well, it got me thinking about assumptions that we make about people when we first meet them. they saw an asian face and assumed vietnamese because we were flying from vietnam. they saw an asian face and assumed english as a second language. i kind of liken it questions like, "so you're going to a be a nurse?" when people, generally older, find out that i'm in medical school because they see a female.

however, i can't say that it's only ignorant americans who do it. in vietnam, i was also looked at as a foreigner. either, i am immediately recognized as vietkieu, or i am not even recognized as vietnamese but korean, japanese, thai, or chinese. several times in the marketplace, i had someone ask me where i learned to speak vietnamese. then, when i tell them that i am vietnamese, they giggle and say that they thought i was ___ (fill in another asian ethnicity). either way, i am not full vietnamese to them because i didn't grow up there. it's sort of the same feeling that i sometimes get in the states, where i am looked at differently because i am asian. apparently, no country can claim me as their own and i can claim no country as mine.

another thing that i had time to reflect on during my flight and my sleeplessness is my desire to work abroad. though two months is not very long in terms of work time, it was long enough for me to form my own opinions about living as a foreigner (albeit, a semi-foreigner) and working in that country. meeting expats, meeting country people, it's hard for me to really put together an idea in my head of how to be able to keep in touch with the western world and live a "western style life" while living in a developing country, "helping the people," and not feel like i'm an ignorant westerner who thinks she knows everything. it's definitely a difficult balance to strike and if i were in vietnam, or any other place, any longer, i don't know how i could justify it. yes, i could say that i'm doing great work, but there are people of that country who could be doing the same work. living and working there would continually be a push-pull dynamic between feeling "at home" and feeling like a foreigner. you would want to make yourself feel comfortable, but no matter what you do, others will see you as a foreigner and never regard their country as yours.

so, i've had a lot of time to think. not that i'm totally disregarding the possibility of living and working abroad for extended periods of time. rather, i'm rethinking my motivations and the pros/cons of commiting to such a thing. after all, if i plan on being surgeon general or director of the WHO, i have to spend some time abroad.

all in all, i have had a wonderful experience in vietnam. it was full of ups and downs, revelations and self-reflections, and great adventures. my vietnamese has improved (though it is still very 2nd-grader-ish). i made vietnamese friends. i got to connect with relatives in vietnam. and i got to experience a different country on my own terms, in my own time. i wouldn't have traded this experience for anything in the world.

hospitals

so i went to visit some hospitals in the city yesterday for my grandfather.  my grandfather suffered a stroke a few years back and now, due to family circumstances, we're looking for a temporary home for him somewhere.  however, that's harder than just finding a nursing home and paying them money.  there are no nursing homes in vietnam.  there are no retirement homes.  the only option is to admit him to a private hospital and hire someone to stay with him 24 hours a day. 

the first hospital i went to was either a small private hospital or a public hospital.  i walked in and after 10 minutes, finally found the reception desk.  in my futile, my improving, vietnamese, i asked them if they would allow for someone to stay in a bed for a few months.  after saying "yes" enthusiastically (they can tell i'm a foreigner, and hence, have the money to pay for such a thing), they showed me the rooms.  they're modest, with nothing but beds, bathrooms, fridges, and a television.  they did have air conditioning.  then, they showed me the "shared" room.  it was a room, same size as the single room, that had 6 beds with 6 patients.  no air conditioning.  no privacy.  definitely eye opening.

the second hospital i went to was a larger private hospital.  very much nicer and looked more modern than the one i had visited in the morning.  granted, it was also much more expensive (twice as much - 390,000 dong per day, which amounts to about $35 US compared to 170,000 dong/$16 US for the other hospital).  they took us on a tour, and the rooms were single, double, or triple.  all the rooms are the same size, it's just a matter of how many beds they can squeeze in there. 

all of this hospital watching has given me a good opportunity to look at what hospitals and care in vietnam is like.  though i cannot comment on the quality of care, the facilities are definitely different than any that you would find in the US.  i have no doubt that the medical professionals here do the best that they can given their resources and their circumstances.  i have definitely found that to be true of the social workers and doctors that i work with at the hiv testing site. 

also, finding a place for my grandfather has shown me that in a country that is quickly becoming more modern, there is a need for an institution for elderly care.  traditionally, family members take care of the elder members.  however, when modern medicine is allowing people to live longer and modern influences are changing family dynamics, tradition cannot always be followed.  in that case, there are few options for those who cannot afford to do what my family is thinking of doing.  and the only reason why my family has the money is because we're viet kieu (vietnamese-born, but immigrants elsewhere) and a large family. 

so, we'll see what happens with my grandfather.  it's all a complicated journey, trying to navigate the medical and social welfare system in vietnam.  and all in my rudimentary vietnamese. 

vietnamese roots

i just came back from the mekong delta region and a visit with some of my family in vietnam.  part of that visit was going to an engagement party for my cousin.  we woke up at 3 am and took a 4 hour car ride, some of it through absolutely beautiful countryside.  when we finally reached the soon-to-be-bride's house, we got out and proceeded to do the traditional things such as presenting gifts and offerings to her family.  then the non-elders (including myself) were pushed outside and told to just sit and have tea while the elders did their thing.  when that was done, we were treated to a 6-course feast that included some of the best seafood in my life.  turns out that her family raises fish and seafood as a business.  but after the meal, we just stood up and left.  the whole event was over before 11 am. 

but that was the end of my weekend down in the delta.  the rest of it was spent with my family there, talking and visiting.  i visited my grandfather, who barely knows who i am.  he thought that i was his daughter when i first arrived.  then, after telling him i was his son's daughter, he nodded his head.  i don't know whether this is because he really knew who i was or because he just wanted me to stop trying to get him to know.   he had a stroke a few years back and since then, as sort of been just living.  it's hard because i feel as though i should know this man, but i don't.  what i know about him, i don't like and so it's hard to feel attached.  and then, when i left, it was hard not to think of it as most likely the last time i will ever see him. 

it was also hard to say goodbye to my mom's brother and his family.  they've been very nice to me and allowing me to stay at their home.  they're good people and struggle through everyday life like every vietnamese family.  they talk about how hard it is to let their only son move out to go to college in the city.  they talk about how they hope he can get into a program that will allow him to study in quebec or france (he speaks french fluently).  they talk about how life is tough now for some other relatives because of bird flu (they raise duck eggs).  but they also talk about how nice it is to live in the delta, compared to saigon.  how they hope to go to visit america sometime. 

the trip to the delta was good.  especially on the last weekend that i will be in vietnam.  now i feel as though i have tied loose ends, and begun my journey back home - whereever my home may be. 

a glimpse into expat life

on friday morning, i woke up early to go to a five-star hotel in ho chi minh city to watch the democratic national convention.  yeah, i'm a political dork and enjoy doing things like that, but it was definitely a weird experience to be sitting in a nice, plush hotel in a city of 8 million people - many of whom make in a year as much as i spent in one month - and watching a democratic national convention with a bunch of americans, many of whom are expats.  

the event was sponsored by a few american expats, including one of my coworkers.  it was really a great event, to be sitting and watching kerry accept the democratic nomination for president.  however, i can't get over how weird the whole experience was, given the circumstances.  i met this woman there who works for the consular and we were talking about our experiences in vietnam.  i had mentioned that being in vietnam for only two months has given me a weird perspective on what expat life is like and what foreigners, especially westerners, in other countries are like.  then she said something like, "being an expat, everything you do is weird.  you feel out of place, yet this is where you call home." 

all of this expat stuff is related to something i witnessed last night.  my cousin, who is 14 and pretty cool for being that age, took me to "the underground," a bar/restaurant in the middle of the tourist part of town.  when i got there, i realized that everyone was either an vietnamese female or a white male, except for the owners of the place (two asian males).  i have to say that after my visit to vietnam and thailand, i have a very skewed view of interracial relationships, especially those in asia.  every time i see an asian female with a white male, i think commercial sex worker and foreigner.  i don't know whether it's because of my work and knowing a lot about the commercial sex workers in vietnam and thailand or because of my experiences going to touristy bars.  either way, it's all weirding me out.  everything here is weirding me out.  oh, but this is related to expats because in the bathroom, there was a poster advertising a web site for expats in asia. 

but that's it.  expats and feeling weird, whereever i go.  but i only have a few more days here.  i'm counting down the days, as i want to go home.

i'm back!

so, im' back from beautiful bangkok.  actually, bangkok wasn't all that beautiful and has actually made me quite sick.  i now have a cough, headache, runny nose, and intermittent fever thanks to thailand. 
 
but to recap what i was up to in the last week or so:
 
friday: landed in bangkok and did a practice run of a microbicide advocacy presentation.  then, went out to dinner with my friend, bebe, and her brother, artit.  it's really awesome having friends all around the world and ones that are willing to let me crash at their place. 
 
saturday: did my presentation, for which i was adequately reimbursed, then went shopping.  bangkok has this wonderful weekend market that has everything you could ever imagine.  it's really amazing.  so, i did that, then went out to dinner with people from vietnam with which i work.  it was nice.  oh, then i went to a "boy go-go club."  i, along with the other two women i was with, were the only two females in the place.  it was actually pretty entertaining.  some stuff that i can't mention on a public blog, but if you want details, i'm sure i can relay them in person.  some of it, i may have blocked for fear that it would my innocent mind. 
 
sunday: registered for the international AIDS conference.  went to opening ceremony, in which i witnessed kofi annan speak, and mention microbicides!  yeah, i'm a big nerd.  did i mention that kofi annan is my hero?  so, yeah, that made my day and possibly my year. 
 
monday: went to the conference during the day.  then, i went to a gates foundation banquet (the charitable arm of a little unknown named bill gates).  i got to see helene gayle (another dorky hero of mine) and richard gere (a very handsome older gentleman indeed).  after getting home, i went out again, this time to a "girl go-go club."  this was not entertaining and not at all fun. 
 
tuesday: went to conference during the day.  nothing else.  went home early. i thought that maybe it was a good idea that i get to sleep sometime before 2 am.  however, that did not happen as this is when i started getting sick. 
 
wednesday: skipped conference for one day and went shopping instead.  didn't get much, but oh well.  i forget what i did at night.  did i really block everything out?
 
thursday: went to conference.  at night, went to a banquet put on by an academic institution with which I am affiliated.  it was held at this restaurant called, Cabbages and Condoms.  It's an awesome restaurant and you get free condoms like you get mints at the end of dinner.  really great idea and really great food. maybe that's what i'll do when i graduate from medical school.
 
friday: went to a small island a few hours southeast of bangkok called ko samed.  we sat and ate on the beach for a few hours and then went out partying.  really, partying on some remote island in thailand is surreal.  it's a bunch of chicken white boys and a bunch of partying asian girls.  i know it's a terrible stereotype, but i felt very out of place there because i was neither into getting someone to go to bed with me or into drinking my brains out.  but there was some awesome guy doing tricks with a fire stick and stuff on the beach.  however, i don't think that i would recommend thailand to anyone who wants to go for the beaches.  but it did however make me want to go to the carribean for spring break.
 
saturday: got back from the island and got back to vietnam. 
 
a funny story to relay (which day it happened, i forget).  i lef the conference early one day because i wanted to stop by my friend's  house before heading out for the night.  so, i took the shuttle bus to the sky train station, which took nearly an hour.  before getting on the bus, i made the stupid mistake of drinking a cup of coffee, so i needed the bus ride to be quick.  then, i took the sky train back to my friend's house, rushing to get to the toilet - but she wasn't there.  so, then, after a minute "talking" (i speak not a single word of thai other than "thank you")  to the guard man who had to talk to some receptionist, i finally got to a toilet.  yeah, weird story and probably not what you expected or wanted.  but hey, something that happens only in thailand.  or at least, something that only happens to me.
 
i have to say that i was not really homesick until i got to bangkok.  not homesick for vietnam, but homesick for somewhere that i could make my own mess and not worry about it.  i don't really know where my home is, as my apartment in boston has my stuff in boxes and nothing else (not even  utilities).
 
well, i only have three weeks to go.  wow... such a short time.  i guess i should really start doing some work and stuff.  also, any requests for (easy to carry) gifts from vietnam?